I suppose my first official blog post should catch you up to speed on where I’ve been. Many of my closest friends don’t even know the answer to this question. 2018 was a very private year for me. It housed the absolute best day of my life and also some of the worst. This blog post is Part 1 of 3. Click here to read Part 2 and Part 3.

I think (chronologically), therefore I am (going to write chronologically)…. 

I started out 2018 continuing to deliver on a promise to myself and The Red Pill fans that I would release one “Raw File” video every week. The Red Pill: Raw Files were never-before-seen footage from the making-of The Red Pill documentary, essentially unedited interviews. Although it was very time-consuming and kept me from working on other projects, in the long run, I’m thrilled that I released 45 episodes of the Raw Files, something I’ve never seen any other documentary filmmaker do. I’m not sure why, but I suspect that many documentary filmmakers’ completed films do not reflect the truth of what they uncovered in their unedited footage. I didn’t have anything to hide, so I had no problem releasing the raw footage, and I’m glad it has given people more content to watch and consider. 

So, I continued releasing weekly Raw Files up until May 28, 2018. What people don’t know is that May was the worst month I’d had in a long time (before November broke that record).

To back it up a bit, a year earlier, in May 2017, my boyfriend of 6 years (Evan) proposed to me. Then, in May 2018, we had a horrible fight, it was so bad that it made me question going through with our wedding which was the very next month! I imagine that many bride and grooms go through a final obstacle right before their wedding day, because if there’s any true test of your love, it should probably happen before you marry, but we all like to procrastinate things we don’t want to do, or things we don’t want to face, so it’s the perfect storm: have your biggest make-or-break moment in your relationship right before your wedding day! Woo hoo.

So, we had our big fight that started on May 8. Then, exactly one week later, on May 15, Evan and I were putting on our shoes getting ready to go visit his mom for a belated Mother’s Day brunch when we just so happened to notice our angel, our baby, the sweetest soul we’ve ever known, our Nala (a rescue kitty we adopted 4 years prior) couldn’t use her back legs. They just completely ceased to work as she continued to try to walk around the living room in a visible panic. Evan and I rushed to her and within seconds she was thrown into a full-on tornado of a seizure. It’s like her whole body turned into one of those giant air-powered frantically dancing tube men you see at car dealerships. We couldn’t hold her still.

We rushed her to the emergency pet hospital where they told us her body was failing and there was nothing they could do to save her. They told us she was much older than we believed (she was believed to be 8 when we adopted her, making her now 12, but the vet said her x-rays showed her to be closer to 18). They said we could either give her a peaceful passing by putting her “to sleep” or give her the possibility of the scariest, most painful experience of her life which would result in the same outcome.

We spent one last night with her at home because I wasn’t ready, but that night she clearly showed me she was ready and the next day we said our long, tear-filled goodbyes. We buried her with her favorite toy and with Evan’s amethyst that he carried with him everyday. I made her a heart-shaped blanket out of her favorite pillowcase and I sewed her name into it by hand. We placed a single rose on her grave every sunset for 12 days. She was the sweetest soul we’ve ever known and I still don’t think I’ve moved past the pain of losing her.

Now knowing that Nala wouldn’t see 2019, the timing of her passing couldn’t have been better; when Evan and I were threatening to unravel everything we’ve built together over the last 7 years, she showed us what truly mattered: love, family, acceptance and being kind to one another. We’re all just children, now deceptively in adult bodies. We’re hurt easily. We hurt easily. We’re not perfect. We just need love and patience from others and to know that we can bounce back from anything. Our mistakes don’t define us, so we need to support others through their struggles because you’ll want to be offered the same acceptance when you’re struggling. Evan and I worked through our issues, we grieved together, forgave each other, and we came out stronger than ever before.

Read Next: “Where Have You Been? Part 2 of 3